Attention: If you have your heart set on watching Vacancy starring Luke Wilson, Kate Beckinsale, Ethan Embry, and some other dude, stop reading now cause this will totally spoil it.
Occasionally, my roommate, her boyfriend, and I will enjoy a terrible scary movie off of the Fearnet channel. They're always good for a laugh and we've passed many a lazy Sunday, snowstorm, or otherwise dreary day with them. Tonight, my roommate is gone, and consequently her boyfriend is not here, and I have no one to make snarky comments to, so I thought I'd write them down.
In the first scene, we find Luke and Kate fighting in the car. They have a deceased child and this has torn their marriage apart. Luke swerves to avoid hitting a raccoon and messes up the car. Kate asks why they got off the highway in the first place (an all-too common movie mistake.) Ethan Embry helpfully helps them fix the car at a rural gas station. But- Uh-oh...the car breaks down only a mile later. There's no cell phone signal (because they got off the highway, you see) so they walk back to the gas station, but Ethan has left for the night. Oh darn. However, there is a creepy rundown motel (cash only, dontcha know, wink wink) and the couple decides to stay there. Luke asks the off motel owner for a phone but he only has a pay phone. He gets a pocketful of dimes he ends up not using but I have a sneaking suspicion he'll need them later.
In the gross room, our couple does some bickering- the carpet is THREADbare, there's a DEAD roach in the bathroom, but then has a special moment. It's a shame there's not a way some traumatic event could happen to show these two crazy kids how much they love each other. The phone rings, interrupting them. But there's NO ONE THERE!!! There's a knock at the door- but there's NO ONE THERE!!! Luke goes to the manager and demands an explanation. The manager says he'll check it out and Luke goes back to the room to watch some TV. There's some videos on top of the VCR and he pops one in. Oh man!!! It's a snuff film!!! And there's boobies!!!! And- here we go- it's in the same room our intrepid couple is in RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And Ethan Embry and the odd motel man are the killers!!!! So much to handle.
They attempt and fail to escape. Ethan shows up in some facepaint and chases them. An apple Kate was eating way back in the car shows up in the room. Luke manages to get to the pay phone (I knew he'd need those dimes. Thanks, Anton Chekov!) but the person he calls for help KNOWS HIS NAME and tries to run him over. Oh No!
Back in the room, Luke gets upset and punches a mirror for a weapon. Cause there's nothing like a shard of glass against a real knife and a revolver- oh yeah- the eccentric manager has a revolver.
Then- a trucker shows up! Is he a savior or is he in on it? He gets a box from the manager and leaves. The couple begins to escape through the tunnel the guy used to plant the apple. But the tunnel is filled with mice. EEEEEW.....miceeeeee. Kate can't take it, and Luke tells her "babe, you can't scream" Ah. He's calling her babe. Maybe he likes her again. At the end of the tunnel, they find the sniff film control room. It's pretty sophisticated equipment- I guess that's why the carpet in the room is so threadbare.
Luke and Kate look for weapons better than glass and Kate finds a phone but just as she dials 911, odd motal man and Ethan walk in. They are confused and bumble a little bit until they figure out the phone is still connected and the woman is still waiting to hear the nature of Kate's emergency. Ethan purses the tunnel chase, while odd motel man goes outside and screams "they're onto us!" Well, that'll teach him to put away his snuff films next time.
Luke and Kate wind up in the gas station next door and knock shit over for no apparent reason. They start fighting again. Kate cries. Luke comforts. God I hope these two can work it out. Luke is sad he got off the highway. Kate is sorry they have a dead child. It's a heartbreaking denouement. They make out. I think it was in Luke's contract he got to make out with Kate. The police come, but- oh man- Luke and Kate are next door, not in the motel. The cop is fat and bald and has a country accent and a flashlight. He decides to "take a look around" and flash his flashlight in places. Country po-liceman goes into a room. The lightswitch doesn't work, but he's got a flashlight. Music begins to play in the background. Ba-bum- takes a step. Ba-BA- bum- takes a stepp. The music picks up as he sees a TV start to play. IT'S A SNUFF FIIIIIIIIIILM!!!
Meanwhile, Ethan tries to break into the station. The country cop fumbles out with his gun drawn and tells the couple to get in the car. But it won't start. Cop gets stabbed. The couple runs away and Luke gets all manly. He wants to go steal the managers gun. He hides his wife in the ceiling (naturally) and, with the shot zeroing in on his eyes, tell her he loves her (whew.)Doesn't work. Lukey-poo gets stabbed. He army crawls to where odd motel man is standing and filming. They drag Luke away but where's Kate? She picked a bad time to start caring about him again cause all her crying and carrying on up there in the ceiling almost gets her caught.
Morning comes. Kate crawls out of the ceiling and towards Luke, cause I guess they didn't drag him far enough. Ethan comes up behind her and she runs away. Thankfully, Ethan has seen fit to fix their car in the midst of his killing spree and park it outside the motel. She starts the car and Ethan breaks through the sunroof. She runs into the side of the motel and kills him. Odd motel man is sad when he finds the body. Don't piss off the ringleader, Kate. Back in Snuff film central, Kate finds a sledgehammer- the mark of a great filmmaker, obviously but odd motel man strangles her. They scrap for awhile. The guy wins and its not looking very good for Kate. Kate shows some moxie, mostly by screaming fuck you and running, oh, and by shooting him. That helps. Odd guy dies. She runs to Luke's side- oh my god, he's aliVE!!!!! She needs help, so she goes rooting around dead odd man's pants. Kate gets back to the phone and calls for help. Back outside, Luke and Kate make out till the police come.
...Super.
ps. The movie was directed by a guy named Nimrod. You can't make this stuff up.
